some thoughts on marriage, love + death

Eleven years ago today, under the full moon, my love and I were wed. Even though we chose Dias de los Muertos to be our anniversary we chose not to say the words 'til death do us part" in our vows. Eleven years ago it was simply that seperation through death didn't resonate and neither one of us believed in the idea of a jail sentence.

I mean no offense to anyone who says these words in their marriage vows and I understand the meaning behind it for many. What I mean when I say jail sentence is yes, on our wedding day we were deeply in love and our intention was to share and build a life together, but we also loved each other enough to know that if one of us ever decided we were happier outside the marriage that the other would let them go in peace. It may sound strange but marriage for us felt more like stepping into freedom, not a contract, a place where we could make up the rules as we went along without trying to predict the future or write the ending.  

Today I find that til death do us part holds deeper meaning than what I originally thought. Jimmy and I have been together fifteen years now and with time comes transition. What I have learned in my marriage so far is that as an evolving human being - one who makes mistakes, isn't perfect and has shed many layers through the years - is that when we take the literal shadow meaning of inevitable death out of the picture, the metaphor becomes one for growth, expansion, new life.

As two humans walking on different spiritual paths of personal growth Jimmy and I have both died a hundred deaths I imagine throughout our marriage and if that meant we were to part each time transition took place, we would be in serious trouble. 

I don't believe marriage is about becoming one, we are already connected. I don't believe in the idea of "you complete me" in all it's Hollywood romance. I believe resentment arises when we try to write the story and the script for our partners in such a way that they aren't able to act it out according to our vision - I've tried that method, it doesn't work. 

I believe any romantic relationship is a partnership where each person takes self responsibility for what they bring to it. I believe that a partner who can hold the space for transition and change without holding a deep sorrow or mourning for what "once was" and feel safe to be who they are is an honest and beautiful honoring of that love. I also believe in some marriages that letting go is the best way to honor a love that once was. 

In our marriage, when we are able to hold space for each other, free from judgement and safe to share truth without taking it personal is where we find ourselves in harmony. It's what allows us to choose trust daily and laugh deeply often. It's not always easy and there was a time where we both questioned if we had come to the end our our road. Thankfully the answer to that question was no, there is so much more for us to explore together, and I happily celebrate today, so proud of us and our journey so far and am grateful for the whole of it. We have grown together and individually, we have brought forth two beautiful girls and continue the work of partnering and building a life we love living... together. Met with love. Rooted in gratitude. Allowed to bend. Free to grow. 

*******

Fifteen years ago yesterday I met Jimmy at a Halloween party. Some part of my soul recognized him instantly and shortly after our meeting he gave me a card with an illustration of a magical ship that was flying over the sea. He said it reminded him of us. 

Over time that ship has collected many treasured sun-kissed skies, traveled far and wide and weathered a few severely stormy seas over the years. Through it all I am happy to say we remain anchored in love. 

I love you, Jimmy. I'm so grateful to have you as my shipmate on this incredible adventure we are continuously navigating together.

Happy Anniversary


 

Comments

[Gennifer]

Congratulations! This is just lovely! And exactly how I feel about marriage, too. I refused to get married for a long time because of the rules and expectations that traditionally go along with marriage. When I started looking at it as more of a fun journey together (that might not last forever) I decided to get hitched. Thanks for sharing!

[Happynik]

Congratulations on your anniversary and beautiful journey together. Yesyesyes. I love this so much. Zach and I feel very similar, almost word for word. We've been together thirteen years next month, and married eight. We wrote our own vows, and didn't include that line, for different reasons. It's been a bumpy road, but one that has deeply connected us, no matter how we have grown. We wouldn't recognize ourselves today, from thirteen years ago, and I am eternally grateful that we've grown side by side, and not farther apart, during our transitions, and yes, there have been countless layers shed. Thank you for sharing. You brought me to tears of recognition and happiness.

[Eileen]

I love this post... it's filled with deep love, humility and respect... congratulations!! xo

[Liz]

so beautiful, loved reading this Stacy

[Tinachicky]

Stacy and Jimmy.....I love you both! Watching and learning from the two of you has taught me many things about what I want in my life.

[julie]

congratulations on your anniversary.

I love what you wrote here. It's an entirely different view point from any I have previously held, and yet, I found myself nodding in agreement and empathy all through. In yoga, at the end of each class we lie in corpse position and it is the most important one, although many consider it the "least" demanding. In corpse we are dying, shedding and letting go of all that has gone before so that we can be renewed and start afresh and I hear echos of this in your piece here.

[Stacy]

Julie, You reached in and found the essence of what I was attempting to say. Renewal. Our marriage looks very different today than the one we entered into years ago. But that in itself is so beautiful. And the allowance of it not needing to stay the same is how we are choosing to honor our union. Interesting to note the corpse position, the one that on the surface looks least demanding but in fact underneath the surface requires the most from us. Thank you.

[Stephanie]

Happy Anniversary, Stacy! It's always so humbling to look down the road and see how far we've traveled, alone and together and realize we aren't the same person/couple we started as. It's such a blessing to have a partner to share the voyage with and to grow alongside. May the journey continue to be interesting!

[Relationship with Marguns]

For a number of Orlando people in this age group, it's a financial issue. A woman could lose her pension if she remarries. It is just too costly. So even though they may feel they are not behaving appropriately, people feel they don't have choices."